FAWM: "I've been bald forever"

I've been bald forever

NSFW

There is no demo for this song.

Liner Notes

I spent Saturday evening hanging with a few friends, and it's possible we found ourselves "in our cups" so to speak. As is often the case, inebriated conversations go in odd directions, and the men among us found ourselves comparing....hairlines.

When I mentioned that "I've been bald forever," someone suggested that as a title of a song, so later this long weekend, I ran with it, digging in hard on the subject of baldness cures, both modern and historical, which was, honestly, kind of fun to research; as evidenced by this link: https://www.history.com/news/9-bizarre-baldness-cures

Lyrics

my widow's peak was deepening
by the time I reached age ten
by twelve, receiving direct mail
from the Hair Club for Men

I've tried every single remedy
I saw on the tee-vee
toupees and fancy hairpieces?
they just all looked silly

Xervac dusty in the closet
behind that case of GLH
minoxidil just made me ill
did nothing for my pate

comb-overs are ridiculous
the tonics way too greasy
transplants are too expensive
the Thermocap made me uneasy

I probably ought to just embrace it
Vin and the Rock, they make it work
own the jokes 'bout "solar sex panels"
those critics? They're all jerks
I've been bald forever,
wouldn't change it if I could
call it evidence of my virile manhood!

been a challenge throughout history
with men always seeking out solutions
Egyptians pastes made from porcupine quills
and crocodile fat infusions

Caesar's girlfriend Cleopatra
suggested bear grease and ground up teeth
When that didn't work,
he settled on a gaudy laurel wreath

Hippocrates used opium,
horseradish and diluted pigeon shit
even considered self-castration
as Eunuchs never dealt with it

Founding Fathers with their powdered wigs
The English rubbed cold lemon tea
it's all sort of ridiculous
and honestly, not at all for me

I probably ought to just embrace it
Vin and the Rock, they make it work
own the jokes 'bout "solar sex panels"
those critics? They're all jerks
I've been bald forever,
wouldn't change it if I could
call it evidence of my virile manhood!

Comments

@bald_ruminant 3d

I love it.

@mikeymason 6d

"No comment." - my virile manhood. ;)

@paulharrison 6d

From Shakespeare: '....what he hath scanted men
in hair, he hath given them in wit." Congrats on a witty review of baldness. Speaking as one of the affected, the "embrace it" outlook is the way to go, imho.

@scarlettcompton 6d

Holy shit, this is amazing. You should embrace it! I would love to hear a demo with this. This may be the song to end all songs in reverence to our bald kings out there! Thanks for the cheerful and historical prose, I was very impressed with how you wrote everything...I learned a lot! What a great song!